A little sideways.

Much has changed recently.

I’ve started working at a new location. Same school. This time I’m closer to GOD (I work on the 11th floor of a one of the tallest buildings in Fukuoka), so we get more nutters, and more time to prepare for them. Not that preparation time is necessary for my job, but it feels better, and looks more professional.

So, in the last 6 or so months, I’ve moved house and am now living by myself, started a program of aggressive savings, started riding my bike to work, eating better, cleaning (my apartment) more often and generally getting on top of things. I thought life was okay and looking up.

But, every now and then the Dark Side of the Force rears it’s ugly head, and kicks me when I’m down.

She walked back into my life. This isn’t the she from many years before, who has also appeared every now and then in my life, but another she who I am rather fond of, and have known for quite some time here. This she also should not be confused with any other, as it is sometimes hard to keep feelings about friends submerged, I find myself being pulled sideways over who I care about more than I should.

I haven’t talked much about the wine, women and song because:

  • I can’t sing.
  • I drink too much.
  • It’s deeply personal.

but since no one reads this, I don’t care any more. But in between fights and misunderstandings with The Girlfriend, and sorting everything out, a long lost (female) friend, who had gone away for quite some time (well, 10 months) returned. Not I find myself torn between the two. I know either choice is bad. I know whatever I choose will be wrong. I know, I know, I know. I know what both would do, and what both would say. And that’s just the start of it. It gets more complicated after that.

So, what to do? There’s a Japanese word ???? (?????, hikikomori) which means: people who withdraw from society. Sometimes I think I should just move to the countryside, rent a farm house, tend the fields and study Japanese. It’d be cheaper, easier and I’d feel better. But my old life would track me down. You can’t hide from who you are. One cannot change the deep inner feelings, the inner thoughts.

So, I’m fucked.

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